#thought#journal#mental-health#mars-college I like to ride my bicycle, I like to ride my bike I like to ride my bicycle, I like to ride it where I like

For a year in my pre-teens, Queen’s “Bicycle Race” was my anthem. I liked riding my bicycle, I liked Queen, and the song was Freddie Mercury singing about bikes.

I’m 29 years old now, and I’m learning about a different kind of bicycle: the bi-cycle, wherin a bisexual person goes through fluctuations in sexual preference. Given the strife and anxiety the bi-cycle has caused in me, I’d prefer to deal with maintaining my bicycle.

Yesterday I spent the day in a fog - the wind was howling, dust was blowing, the roads were being paved with a fragrant oil substance just 100 feet away. Oh, and we were smoking cannabis. Thoughts of suicide stuck with me the whole day.

Junior, a Bombay Beach local, said the Salton Sea is not a place to live if you are suicidal.

I don’t really want to end my life right now. Things are good: I have a blossoming love with a girl, a bunch of new friends, a community of doers that is low-stress, a 10-hour a week contract with an ex-company and easy tasks that pays well, savings in the bank, a car to my name, a healthy body, a safe place to sleep. How, then, could I ignore the good?

I get caught in a loop - am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? I think this mentality comes through in my planning mind - I stop thinking about the future because it allows me to exist peacefully in the present. So when future plans pop-up, I begin to freak out. How am I supposed to know what I will feel in a few days/weeks/months/years time?

Inconsistency in mental state. I live in a world of polarity - am I depressed or manic? am I straight or gay? am I monogamous or polyamorous? am I sane or insane?

Chaos rules. I submit.

I desire a consistent loving relationship with another (or more than one other? fuck.) I’m unsure, I guess I try it out? I don’t want to drag others along on this journey of cyclical self-impairment. It really does cause my brain to short-circuit.

We cooked Indian food for dinner last night - Mason lead the charge, Rafiki sous-chef’d, and Czar and I made naan and helped out. I did a lot of dishes.